The unraveling thread of Change

Change! It is so difficult! Even good changes are stressful; that's why getting married is near the top of the list of most stressful events. All I did was get a new computer with an upgraded operating system -- so all my gadgets need to be upgraded too -- and it feels like my world is coming apart. I'm irritable and depressed. Why is this so difficult?

First of all, my routines are shot. My PDA is so old I can't even upgrade it, and it is the one program that I regularly refer to. Now, I've got to get out my old laptop and use it along with the new computer (I know, a plethora of privilege here), instead of just clicking a tab. All of this is strange and uncomfortable. I feel discombobulated. Things don't go smoothly because I'm learning new routines and then I feel stupid because I don't know what I'm doing. Add to this that I've completely reorganized my office to make room for the new computer, and I can't find anything and it's all in some level of chaos. I'm anxious and irritable because I don't feel comfortable yet, and this change thing keeps spreading and I don't know how far it will go. I feel depressed because it all makes me feel like a dimwit and overwhelmed and above all out of control.

So I sat down last night and said, what are the assumptiong I'm operating under? What are the expectations that aren't being met, that is leading to all this emotional distress? Do I think this should all be easy? That I should be able to do it without some level of challenge? Am I supposed to be on top of things, every minute, no matter what? Who said? Where do these notions come from?

Once I stopped and recognized these assumptions, and brought balance to my thinking by reflecting on the tragic and painful difficulties that others on this globe are enduring -- even those in my own city -- I was able to relax and engage in my tasks (like changing the sheets) with some humility and submission, a recognition of my frailty, my humanness. Yes, I moan and whine and complain, just like everyone else.

Spirituality is about living into our humanness, about embracing our faults, our frailty our finiteness, rather than skipping over it, putting on a together face and operating only out of our competence. It's about being present with our falling apart as it is happening. The paradox is that by surrendering to my humanity, by giving into my frailty, by recognizing and accepting my own inadequacy in the face of life's challenges, I may suddenly transcend difficulty and find myself in a blessed space of peace, even as I move through the tasks that irked me just a moment before. That, to me, is the Presence of God.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me to follow this thread of change, wherever it leads, guided by your gracious and invisible hand. Help me be present with each moment so that I don't become overwhelmed but just take one step at a time into Your Gracious Heart. Amen.