Turn back to the Lord

Ecclesiasticus 17:25 Turn back to the Lord and forsake your sins; pray in his presence and lessen your offense.

When I read this verse, it really resonated, but I wasn't sure at first why. What sins did I need to forsake? And then I realized that I have been mulling over the past, mistakes that I made in my life before coming back to my faith -- somehow whatever mistakes I have made since that time I don't regret because of my conviction that walking with God I am on the right path -- and finding myself awash in regrets that I thought I had resolved. As I thought about it, I wondered, "How is that sin?" I knew I didn't like it or the feelings it brought up; I feel stupid and helpless and sad and judgmental and critical. And then I realized that I was indulging in an exercise of self-sabotage as in, "Oh, my mistake was really bad, because it kept me from achieving this other thing, and thwarted my destiny," and on and on; it's an endless loop of self reproach that preoccupies my mind and stops me from focusing on God and appreciating all the blessings that God has bestowed on me in this life. It short circuits gratitude and fills me up with a certain kind of self-importance. "I should have known better! I should have done it right! I should be able to avoid mistakes, unlike everyone else in the world." That's pride. We all know that pride is one of the seven deadlies. I have also come to believe that it is my particular bugaboo.

Today this was reinforced as I sat in on a conversation with some people who could have given up after their mistakes, but instead are reclaiming their lives. Who am I to complain when I have been the unworthy recipient of so much privilege? Verse 30 says "For not everything is within human capability." Like perfection. Only God is perfect. These "mistakes" are part of who I am as a flawed human being, they are part of the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today, those that led directly to my reaching out to God, reconnecting with my faith and bringing me on this wonderful journey that I am on. When I dwell on the past, which cannot be changed in this material world of three dimensions, it eclipses the joy and satisfaction I have found in the present, challenges my faith and gets me doubting my purpose, and that means doubting the very path God is calling me to. Only by restoring God as the central focus of my thoughts, can I regain the sense of joy and peace that are the fruits of my spiritual path.

Prayer: Dear God, I am troubled again by the voices of the past, drawn into practices of doubt, regret, comparison and self-judgment. Let me focus my thoughts on You; call me back into Your Grace so that I may know the purpose You have set for me. Let me trust Your infinite wisdom to guide me on my path. Amen.