Who don't fit in

Esther 3:8 Haman then spoke with King Xerxes: "There is an odd set of people scattered through the provinces of your kingdom who don't fit in. Their customs and ways are different from everybody else."

I have been gone a long time! I was away for two weeks, and somehow since my return, I have been running around like a crazy person! Creating some more space in my life is a priority.

Here we are in the book of Esther, about a young woman who because of her beauty is elevated to be Queen of the empire, and from that position is able to intervene and save her people. Haman is the King's second in command, and this verse is a prologue to his suggestion that the King issue a decree that will set off a genocide. Hitler began his assault on the Jews similarly, by talking about their difference, and planting the idea of their opposition to the state, and the larger German nation. The genocide that Haman has planned, however, is more like what happened in Rwanda: the decree will give permission and encouragement for the people to rise up and kill the Jews in their midst, in hand to hand combat: mob violence. And he begins with this idea of difference, of a people that "don't fit in", that have customs and practices that are "different from everybody else".

There are two assumptions here that Haman builds on to make his case for the need to kill these people off. The first is that "we" are all alike, or at least more alike than we are to "them". But all you have to do is look at a family to see that people are very different from one another, even when they claim the same religion, follow the same customs, rely on the same traditions. Look at Cain and Abel: one was a shepherd, one was a farmer, and those differences led to murder, despite the fact that they were in the same family. Our differences reflect our uniqueness, and they can't be eliminated. And the differences between individuals, the variability of individual expression within groups is probably greater than the differences that exist between groups, when you look at them as a whole. This is true whether you look at religious groups, ethnic and cultural groups, or even men and women.

The second assumption which is vital to Haman's plan is the idea that "difference" is a problem, that difference is the reason we "can't all get along", as Rodney King so famously intoned. People often think that couples should have a lot in common, that the less difference there is between them, the better they will get along and the more successful they will be. Let's just ignore the fact that historically, men and women had completely different spheres of work and that didn't necessarily mean a bad partnership, if we look back at the time when marriage was primarily for economic reasons. Even today, with marriages built primarily on ideas of love and emotional connection, research tells us that it is not what couples have in common that makes for long-lasting partnerships; rather it is how they deal with their differences, how they talk across those differences that determine their success. Do they respect each other, treat these differences with courtesy, acceptance and understanding? Are they curious about what makes them different from one another, willing to see the other's differences as something that expands their life -- a "both-and" position -- or are they caught up in an "either-or" stance, a competition where one of them has to win? Acceptance and courtesy can sustain a couple with enormous "differences"; even small differences, if treated with contempt and scorn, will likely lead to the end of the relationship.

So this idea of difference doesn't have to be threatening, but it is still often used to stir up hatred and fear of "the other", those whose external differences may be more pronounced and visible. It's easy to forget, when someone dresses very differently, or has different customs, or just looks physically different, that we still share our human experience. As Shylock said, "If you cut me, do I not bleed?" (I paraphrase). We all share the human experiences of joy and suffering, pleasure and pain, of love for our children and families, and fear of the unknown. These common challenges of living are far more powerful, if we can tap into them, than the differences of culture and behavior that sometimes seem so insurmountable.

Prayer: Dear God, You taught us to pray, "Our Father". Help me see that all people are your children, and thus my brothers and sisters, no matter how different from me they may appear. Help me to see that common human connection, even when I may be turned off or frightened, so that I can honor it and open my heart to those who have been pushed aside because they don't "fit in". Amen.