This is a lot harder than you might imagine. While I think a lot of us can give without expecting a financial tit for tat, or favors or something like that, we can still harbor expectations about our gifts. For one, we want to know that our gift is being used by someone who "deserves" it; what we call the deserving poor. That gives us a sense that we are making a contribution, not being "taken advantage of". That feeling good about ourselves is a kind of expectation, a kind of return. I also get pulled in by wanting to see some good result from my gift; I want to have an impact. This is probably hooked up with the idea of giving gifts to people who "deserve" it, or who can "benefit" from it. These expectations rule my life, determine how I feel about myself and my world, determine, in fact, just about everything! The amazing thing is that when I can get out from under expectations, when I can stop judging outcomes on the basis of what I was expecting (and a lot of the time I am totally unaware of these expectations) I am free to be present and take the experience for what it is. I can let go, trust in God, have faith in my own intentions.
I have really learned this going to MS to work on Katrina relief. If I get too fixated on the job, on finishing something --- that is really my compulsion! -- and it doesn't happen, then I'm disappointed. My desire to "accomplish something" is not satisfied. Lots of things can come up that get in the way of finishing a job. We pulled away the baseboards in a room and found termites, so we couldn't finish tiling the floor until that was dealt with. Other times i have been on a different crew, working at a different house every day. What I've learned is to arrive with no expectations. my task is to be present, be a witness to the people of the Gulf coast who are still struggling so hard, that they are remembered; we haven't forgotten them. So, once or twice a year, I journey to their neighborhood and pitch in the best I can. Just doing that, whether I get thanked or not (and people are profoundly grateful just that I showed up), whether I finish the job or not, whether I have fun or not (and usually I have a blast working hard with my body and not just my brain), is the greatest satisfaction ever.
Prayer: Dear God, Help me to let go of expectations, so that I may truly experience and enjoy the actual life you have given me. Amen
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