A key witness

Acts 22:15 You are to be a key witness to everyone you meet of what you've seen and heard.

I read this verse the same morning that I learned my aunt had had what appeared to be a severe stroke. She had had a stroke many months before, but the effects had turned out to be rather mild, and she had been coping well. Her convictions, however, remained the same: no extraordinary measures were to be taken to extend her life. At 91, she felt she had lived a long and fruitful life, and that health care dollars were better spent saving the lives of younger people. She had no taste for hospitals, and machines, and expensive treatments. So when she had that first stroke, and the family wasn't sure what was happening, they called 911 for guidance, and the ambulance came out to her house in rural New Hampshire. At that time, when the paramedics wanted to take her to the hospital, my cousin checked in again with his mother (she was able to minimally communicate) and confirming her intentions, that she didn't want to go to the hospital, he took the extraordinary step of sending the ambulance away. The family held vigil for several days, wondering when would be her last. Then she recovered.

It was a risky step. They say with strokes that early intervention can make the difference in terms of the severity of the stroke's effects. But J. held firm to her principles. She was a fiscal conservative, and she and I had many differences in our point of view. My brother once described her side of the family as "tea and hard toast people", a remnant of the hardscrabble life our ancestors pursued on the desolate moors of Scotland. She had many strong opinions, made no bones about them, and could argue her point forcefully; she wasn't always the easiest person to be around. Yet, when push came to shove, and it was her own mortality at stake, she didn't back down, she followed through on her beliefs fearlessly and steadfastly, right to the end.

My aunt was not a religious woman. I don't think there was much room for faith in her rational and practical world view. Still, she was not afraid of death, not afraid of the loss of ego that terrifies so many. The second stroke, which came on Mother's Day, paralyzed her on one side. Still, the family called for no intervention. She lingered for 10 days, the family supporting her choices, whether to eat or not, drink or not, and she passed away peacefully on May 19. In a world where so many hold principles only so long as it doesn't affect them personally, she never faltered at the moment of truth. In a culture rife with shameless hypocrisy, she remained true to her convictions even when they affected her at the most basic level. I stand as a witness to her principled courage in the face of every person's ultimate challenge: how do we face our death?

Prayer: Dear God, I am grateful for my aunt's presence in my life, and for the shining example she gave of courage in the face of death. She, who rarely surrendered in life, somehow had the wisdom to surrender in death. Be with her family as they learn to live without her physical presence, knowing that the living principles she imparted to them will be with them until their own ultimate surrender. Amen.

Everything we hold dear!

Acts 17:6 "These people are out to destroy the world, and now they've shown up on our doorstep, attacking everything we hold dear!"

Paul and his companions are being attacked by the Jews because they are threatened by his new ideas of how to live. They are different from the values, and the Judaism, that they are used to. Lest you think this is a problem with "Jews", Paul was attacked equally viciously by the Gentiles, whose own gods were also threatened by his ideas. They weren't threatened by a new "religion" -- there was no religion of Christianity yet. But Paul was preaching a message of repentance and new life, a new way of living authentically in the world that came from his encounter with Jesus on the Damascus road. This threatens everyone, because it undermines the pillars of self-serving, slavish tradition and the comfort of doing things in the same way we have always done them. Change is hard; change is scary, and people often react violently and hysterically when they are being invited to make change.

We can hear these voices in our society now, too. A lot of change is happening: our first non-white President, a terrible financial meltdown which is affecting the whole world, environmental changes that some call climate change and others dispute but which are already affecting the lives of people on disappearing islands in the Pacific. There are social changes as well, ways of living that were not even discussed when I was growing up which have become widely accepted. Whether these things are good or bad may be different for different people, but change happens whether we like it or not. I guess it is up to each of us to make our own decisions about what change to flow with and what change to resist, but the fact is that change is inevitable, it is always happening in incremental ways, we are just more likely to notice it when it feels like a sea-change, which is happening in our world today. The challenge is not to resist change simply out of fear. Faith calls us to live fearlessly into our Christian path. When we let fear decide what is good or bad, when we resist change simply because we fear it, we are not living up to our call.

Change is scary because it takes us out of our comfort zone, but comfort can also numb us and lull us into complacency. Stepping outside what feels comfortable can enliven us, can challenge us to rethink our faith and inspire us to new levels of transformation and commitment. Which of us can honestly say that we are truly living out our highest potential as Christ-followers? Change shakes things up a bit, helps us recalibrate our lives and invites us to a more vital and dynamic experience of life. Remember how fresh and new the world looks through a child's eyes? Change invites us forward into a new space of freshness, of vibrant experience, of not knowing what to expect and thus having to live every moment purely as it unfolds. Change is hard, but change always comes. It's up to us whether it shuts us down or opens us up to new life.

Prayer: Dear God, Let me not be ruled by fear. Help me to embrace the changes that inevitably transform my life and use them as tools to deepen and enliven my faith and my experience of authentic living. Amen.

Open-eyed, wide-eyed

Luke 24:31 At that moment, open-eyed, wide-eyed, they recognized him. And then he disappeared.

Do I recognize Jesus when he is standing right in front of me? The disciples were his closest friends, and all the way along the road to Emmaus, they talked and listened as he quoted scripture, explaining what had happened to him and why, helping them to understand. Yet they did not recognize him. It was at that moment of breaking of the bread, when Jesus blessed it as he had just a few nights before, for what they had thought was the last time, that they suddenly saw him clearly standing there. At that same moment, as soon as the realization hit, he was gone.

There is a saying in the Holy Land that "Holy places move." What one generation insisted was the place where something happened, the next generation decides was somewhere else. God, and the Spirit, can't be pinned down. As soon as I recognize the movement of Spirit in my life, as soon as I find and recognize something that I am doing that seems to invite the Spirit, it stops working and disappears. And I have to approach the issue in a fresh way. Authentic living is not something that can be done by rote, or custom or habit. I utilize practices, contemplative prayer and others, to invite spirit, but by their very nature, they are unpredictable and quixotic. God is not like a magic trick I can conjure at my will. God appears and disappears at His own behest, and my job is to follow the best way I can.

Perhaps this is why it is so hard to recognize Jesus when he is standing in front of me. The unexpected nature of the Divine shakes me out of my complacence and in a moment of clarity and power, reveals Itself to me in surprising and startling ways. I know my friends who volunteer with the homeless describe to me moments when they look into one of their client's faces and see the face of Christ. There are times when I am consulting with clients, times of wonder, or realization, or reflection when God seems fully present in the raw freshness of the moment. I try to pause at those moments, to let it sink in, to fully experience that Presence, and to thank God for being such an integral part of who I am. I never know when it is going to happen, and it disappears as soon as I become aware, but I love the God who reveals Herself to me in these precious and sacred ways.

Prayer: Dear God, I thank you for these moments of revelation that You bring to my life. I ask for an open and receiving heart that I may see more of Your Presence in this challenging and difficult world. Amen.

Life on God's terms

Luke 17:33 If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.

This is one of those wonderfully paradoxical statements of which Christianity abounds. In the translation I'm used to, it usually sounds more like those who want to save their life, will lose it, and those who lose their life will save it. What does that mean to us as we stumble through our lives trying to find one that's satisfying and meaningful? Peterson, in his translation The Message, adds some dimension here. Grasping and clinging to life on my own terms: that makes me think of all the expectations I bring to each moment. Watch what happens when a 2 year old doesn't get what he or she wants or expects -- all hell breaks loose! There is crying and screaming, the child seems inconsolable. But smart parents know that in a few minutes, using distraction, or just letting nature run its course, some new focus of interest will come up, and the now old disappointment will be forgotten, even though by adult standards it just happened! There are so many things that can get in the way of life, or plans -- even simple plans like buying a window, or arranging to meet a friend for dinner -- that I have come to understand that all those obstacles or interruptions are in some mysterious way part of the plan. If I insist on things going smoothly, or just the way I planned them, I am headed for my own private misery. If I allow myself to flow with whatever happens, dealing with and addressing the obstacles or interruptions that seem intent on ruining my good time, then things can go smoothly, I can reach my destination without a lot of wear and tear. But I have to let go of the idea that I can control everything that happens.

So, is this what Jesus, in Peterson's words, means by letting that life go? I suspect there is a little bit more involved in this second part of the verse. I remember a friend who was a priest telling me, when I asked how he knew he was called to be a priest, he said all the other doors closed. Now, that might not be the most positive way to hear a call, but sometimes we can't hear above the voice of our own desires unless all the other options are taken away. I know that for me, when I put Jesus back into the center of my life, the way ahead became clearer, smoother. The career I had been struggling with came to a kind of blossoming I hadn't expected; I found a life that had been eluding me. The Bible tells us God knows how to give good gifts to his children, so when we pray "Thy will be done" it may not take us that far away from the path we are already on, but our attitude, I think, is completely turned around. Rather than looking to express or gratify our own needs, we shift to looking at how what we are doing can serve others. Then, when things go "wrong", instead of experiencing it as a "mistake" I can look around and say, "Well, here I am, how does God want me to serve here, where I didn't expect to be?" In that way, I find a life by losing the one I expected, and by being willing to lose the life I am expecting or trying to create, I find a life that is, in the end, more satisfying and meaningful because it goes beyond me and my needs, and positions me as a transformative agent in the world.

Prayer: Dear God, It is so easy to get caught up in my own plans, in wanting things to turn out a particular way, in what I look forward to. Help me to understand that the way to You is a circuitous path, and to approach it with curiosity and thanksgiving at every turn. Amen.

Simply yourself

Luke 14:11 But if you're content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.

How many of us think we have to do something extraordinary to count as a human being? I know growing up I had all sorts of ideas of what I wanted to accomplish in my life, what I wanted to achieve, because then I'd really be somebody. Who I was didn't seem to be quite enough. As I've gotten older, I think I've become more comfortable with who I am, whoever that is, and feel less and less need to add or change or become anything other than what I am. What I am finding in that process is a sense of contentment and inner peace that has eluded me most of my life.

I think what happens is that if I can be just myself, but be fully present with all that that is, somehow, out of that comes something more than I would expect. If I skip along the surface of experience, not quite engaging, not fully experiencing my life, if I am always looking over the next hill for whatever it is that is going to fulfill me, or make my life meaningful, or important, or whatever it is that I think I need, that unwillingness to be present where I am, that skittering off, is the very thing that keeps me from blossoming as a human being, and from being a presence that others see and value. A skilled actor doing the simplest action on stage can draw the attention of the entire audience, and completely captivate us with their presence. Actors are skilled at developing that unity of attention. But I can do this in my life, too, and when I do, when I am able to bring all my attention to this present moment, and really inhabit it, really embody it, there's a way I transcend the ordinariness of my life, and the fullness of that experience hearkens to something more, something beyond the physical plane, something we call spirit, or God. In that moment, by being fully what I am, I become more than what I am.

Prayer: Dear God, So many things distract me from simply being present, and being aware of Your Presence with me. Help me take the time to be, to be content with who and what I am, and use all of that to share You with others. Amen.

Private whispers vs. Public preaching

Luke 12:3 You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public. The day's coming when those whispers will be repeated all over town.

How many of our leaders, both secular and religious, fall into this trap? There's something about reaching a position of power that seems to invite people into thinking that they've done it all under their own steam, that they're above the rules, above the law, that it doesn't apply to them. Think Eliot Spitzer, Tiger Woods, and a host of others whose names I don't remember but whose scandals I do. The anti-gay conservatives who are caught in homosexual hook ups. It's legislators preaching ethics who are caught taking bribes. It's each of us whenever we whisper judgmental gossip about someone privately and smile with fake friendliness when we see them. It's called hypocrisy, and it's the thing teenagers get all riled up about, usually about their parents.

That's when a wise person recognizes the danger and takes steps to counter the influence of power and success. That's why humility is such an important Christian virtue: it reminds people that the lowliest homeless person and the highest ranking politician are both still human beings and highly flawed. It's why God prefers the tax collector, who comes to God aware of his shortcomings, to the Pharisee, who is convinced of his own righteousness. It's an easy slip to make and we humans are especially prone. Humility reminds us that we are not God; only God is God.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me be watchful that I don't slip into thinking I"m doing this all on my own. I want always to remember Who's in charge. Amen.

Without expecting

Luke 6:35 Help and give without expecting a return.

This is a lot harder than you might imagine. While I think a lot of us can give without expecting a financial tit for tat, or favors or something like that, we can still harbor expectations about our gifts. For one, we want to know that our gift is being used by someone who "deserves" it; what we call the deserving poor. That gives us a sense that we are making a contribution, not being "taken advantage of". That feeling good about ourselves is a kind of expectation, a kind of return. I also get pulled in by wanting to see some good result from my gift; I want to have an impact. This is probably hooked up with the idea of giving gifts to people who "deserve" it, or who can "benefit" from it. These expectations rule my life, determine how I feel about myself and my world, determine, in fact, just about everything! The amazing thing is that when I can get out from under expectations, when I can stop judging outcomes on the basis of what I was expecting (and a lot of the time I am totally unaware of these expectations) I am free to be present and take the experience for what it is. I can let go, trust in God, have faith in my own intentions.

I have really learned this going to MS to work on Katrina relief. If I get too fixated on the job, on finishing something --- that is really my compulsion! -- and it doesn't happen, then I'm disappointed. My desire to "accomplish something" is not satisfied. Lots of things can come up that get in the way of finishing a job. We pulled away the baseboards in a room and found termites, so we couldn't finish tiling the floor until that was dealt with. Other times i have been on a different crew, working at a different house every day. What I've learned is to arrive with no expectations. my task is to be present, be a witness to the people of the Gulf coast who are still struggling so hard, that they are remembered; we haven't forgotten them. So, once or twice a year, I journey to their neighborhood and pitch in the best I can. Just doing that, whether I get thanked or not (and people are profoundly grateful just that I showed up), whether I finish the job or not, whether I have fun or not (and usually I have a blast working hard with my body and not just my brain), is the greatest satisfaction ever.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me to let go of expectations, so that I may truly experience and enjoy the actual life you have given me. Amen