Why have you forsaken me?

Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Today is Good Friday and I cannot help but reflect on this sacred day in the Christian experience. Last night, I went to the Maundy Thursday service at my church, what to me is the most powerful service of the year, where the rector imitates Christ by washing the feet of chosen parishioners. The choir sang, but there was no instrumentation, just the sound of human voices lamenting the Man of Sorrows. At the end, I sat and watched the candles be put out, the altar stripped, the lights dimmed and heard the loud clang of the door, shutting fast the gates of Paradise. The light has gone out from the world.

This morning, I feel sad and lethargic, confused and upset. In the evening, long after the service, I sat in the chapel with a shrouded cross, trying to keep awake just one hour with Jesus. I think that is the hardest thing I do all year. Sleep calls to me, entices me, seduces me. Luke says that the disciples slept, drugged not just by wine but by grief, and perhaps that is one reason that watch is so difficult for me – sorrow over what I know is coming. The disciples didn’t fully understand what Jesus had been talking about, but there is no doubt that his talk of his own suffering and death dampened their spirits. So this is the mood that clouds me today. Tonight I will meditate on Christ’s last words (one of them is above), and tomorrow I will try to sit with grief and unknowing, as those early disciples did 2000 years ago. How did they make it through that Saturday of Sabbath rest knowing that Jesus was gone, their purpose in life destroyed, their only hope crushed by the Roman state? I will try to sit with them in their sorrow. It is exercise for those times when all hope is lost, all optimism gone and only despair awaits. It is remembering that even in the pit, the dark night of the soul, God is there, even though I can’t feel God or see God or touch God or even find God in prayer, God is there holding me when no one else will, carrying me when no one else can, comforting me when there is no comfort.

Prayer: Dear God, Hold me as I walk under the shadow of death. Be with all those who mourn the loss of those they love. Teach me to see you even in the dark, to know you when all knowledge seems hopeless and futile, to love you when there is nothing left of me to love, that by your love and will I may experience the joy of Resurrection life that you gave us through your son, Jesus. Amen.

He put his house in order

2Samuel 17:23 When Ahithophel realized that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his donkey and left for his hometown. After making out his will and putting his house in order, he hanged himself and died. He was buried in the family tomb.

When this verse leapt out at me, I thought, “Oh, no, I don’t want to talk about suicide.” But somehow it wouldn’t let me go, and here is where my thinking took me. This is not a rash, impulsive act. He puts his house in order, does his best to take care of those that will be left behind, and then kills himself. I could say a lot about the culture of the time, based on shame and honor. Ahithophel was advisor to Absalom, the declared king, the top advisor, and to recognize that he had been replaced must have been an extreme loss of honor. Today, we might view this differently. Our culture values what people do, especially men, especially privileged men in middle age, whose work is supposed to be carrying our society. Their entire identity is wrapped up in what they do, and if they stop being able to do, it can stir feelings of hopelessness, uselessness and worthlessness, leading to a profound despair. Who are they if they are not performing the functions of their job? That attitude, that you are what you do, is catching; as children grow up, they learn they are valued more and more by what they achieve, and less and less by who they are. As women enter the workforce in greater and greater numbers, they, too, get caught up in this false identification with doing. God tells us a different story, a different way to look at who we are. God loves us, each one of us, exactly as we are, accepts us fully without our having to do anything. There is nothing we can do to merit God’s love, it is given to us by grace. All God wants is for us to love and honor God the way that God loves and honors us.

Prayer: Dear God, I know there are many in our society who struggle with feelings of despair, who measure themselves by what they can do, and always come up short. Shower them with your divine grace, that they may see their value through your eyes, and come to know themselves as beloved and cherished members of our human community. Amen.

They were exhausted with weeping

1Samuel 30:4-6 David and his men burst out in loud wails—wept and wept until they were exhausted with weeping. David’s two wives, Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail widow of Nabal of Carmel, had been taken prisoner along with the rest. And suddenly David was in even worse trouble. There was talk among the men, bitter over the loss of their families, of stoning him.

Here’s David, having been run out of the country by Saul, having collected around him a ragtag army of misfits and other lost souls, and having to pledge himself to a rival king in order to live and take care of his following, and you’d think that all would be bad enough. But he comes home to find his family – and all their families – gone. And on top of that, his men threaten to turn against him! How low he must have felt at that moment, how despairing, how hopeless. It all makes my problems seem pretty small in comparison, my feelings of despair and hopelessness pretty minor. He had lost everything! And what does he do? Does despair and hopelessness lead him to abandon God, or turn against God? Not at all. He doesn’t blame God for his problems; instead, he goes to God seeking guidance and help. And God comes through.

So, two things really speak to me here. One is that however big my current problems may seem, I still have a great deal to be grateful for. My family is safe, and relatively healthy. I live in the country I choose to live in, where I enjoy freedom and many other blessings. I have resources to meet my material needs. When I begin to focus on the things for which I am grateful, the problems begin to become smaller and more manageable; I can see them in some sort of real perspective. The other things is that whenever I do feel those feelings of despair and hopelessness, when it feels like things are unraveling and I can’t hold them together, I can turn to God in prayer, contemplation and meditation on scripture such as this and God will be there to help me get perspective and get a handle on things. I can turn over what I’m struggling with, recognize what I am powerless over and surrender it to the Almighty One, and receive refreshment and renewal.

Prayer: Dear God, Sometimes life just feels overwhelming, as if it is all slipping out of my grasp, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Remind me in your wisdom at these times of how much I have to be grateful for. Soothe me with your eternal Presence that I may release myself from responsibility for those things over which I have no control, and be refreshed so that I can take on those things which I can, with your help, affect. And let me ever be mindful that everything that I have is a gift from you. Amen

A black mood

1Samuel 16:14 At that very moment the Spirit of God left Saul and in its place a black mood sent by God settled on him. He was terrified.

It’s hard not to feel for Saul in this moment. He made some mistakes, some bad mistakes, trying to live up to what he thought was being asked of him. But he had felt the Spirit of God working in him, and what a terrible, bottomless pit of a depression it must have been to feel it gone. He must have felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, useless and of course, terrified. So what can he do in that moment? The only thing that I’ve ever been able to do in those moments is accept what I’m feeling and give it to God. I pray, I journal, I do this, and usually, eventually, God brings me out of it. But Saul never surrenders in that way. He keeps fighting it. He keeps deluding himself with the notion that he can hold on to his kingship without God’s help, that he can somehow get rid of David, even though he sees and it is clear to everyone that God’s Spirit is with David. And then Saul sinks even lower. He hates. Even though David is the one person who can alleviate Saul’s black moods, through the music of the harp; even though David fights valiantly for Saul, defeating the Philistines over and over again; even though Saul’s son Jonathan, who would be the one to inherit the kingdom, pledges himself to David – or no, it is probably just because of these things that Saul hates David. They are all evidence of what he has lost: God’s favor. Depression, hatred, envy: these are all experiences that eat away at the soul, take the joy from living and poison relationships.

Prayer: Dear God, Make me aware of those times when depression, hatred or envy begins to threaten my well-being. Help me to accept my human frailty, and offer these feelings to you, so that I might receive your divine grace. Burn them out of my heart with your love and compassion, that they might be replaced with gratitude at all you have done in my life, compassion toward others, and acceptance of my state in life, and your divine will which will always be shrouded in mystery. Amen