Without expecting

Luke 6:35 Help and give without expecting a return.

This is a lot harder than you might imagine. While I think a lot of us can give without expecting a financial tit for tat, or favors or something like that, we can still harbor expectations about our gifts. For one, we want to know that our gift is being used by someone who "deserves" it; what we call the deserving poor. That gives us a sense that we are making a contribution, not being "taken advantage of". That feeling good about ourselves is a kind of expectation, a kind of return. I also get pulled in by wanting to see some good result from my gift; I want to have an impact. This is probably hooked up with the idea of giving gifts to people who "deserve" it, or who can "benefit" from it. These expectations rule my life, determine how I feel about myself and my world, determine, in fact, just about everything! The amazing thing is that when I can get out from under expectations, when I can stop judging outcomes on the basis of what I was expecting (and a lot of the time I am totally unaware of these expectations) I am free to be present and take the experience for what it is. I can let go, trust in God, have faith in my own intentions.

I have really learned this going to MS to work on Katrina relief. If I get too fixated on the job, on finishing something --- that is really my compulsion! -- and it doesn't happen, then I'm disappointed. My desire to "accomplish something" is not satisfied. Lots of things can come up that get in the way of finishing a job. We pulled away the baseboards in a room and found termites, so we couldn't finish tiling the floor until that was dealt with. Other times i have been on a different crew, working at a different house every day. What I've learned is to arrive with no expectations. my task is to be present, be a witness to the people of the Gulf coast who are still struggling so hard, that they are remembered; we haven't forgotten them. So, once or twice a year, I journey to their neighborhood and pitch in the best I can. Just doing that, whether I get thanked or not (and people are profoundly grateful just that I showed up), whether I finish the job or not, whether I have fun or not (and usually I have a blast working hard with my body and not just my brain), is the greatest satisfaction ever.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me to let go of expectations, so that I may truly experience and enjoy the actual life you have given me. Amen

Turn back to the Lord

Ecclesiasticus 17:25 Turn back to the Lord and forsake your sins; pray in his presence and lessen your offense.

When I read this verse, it really resonated, but I wasn't sure at first why. What sins did I need to forsake? And then I realized that I have been mulling over the past, mistakes that I made in my life before coming back to my faith -- somehow whatever mistakes I have made since that time I don't regret because of my conviction that walking with God I am on the right path -- and finding myself awash in regrets that I thought I had resolved. As I thought about it, I wondered, "How is that sin?" I knew I didn't like it or the feelings it brought up; I feel stupid and helpless and sad and judgmental and critical. And then I realized that I was indulging in an exercise of self-sabotage as in, "Oh, my mistake was really bad, because it kept me from achieving this other thing, and thwarted my destiny," and on and on; it's an endless loop of self reproach that preoccupies my mind and stops me from focusing on God and appreciating all the blessings that God has bestowed on me in this life. It short circuits gratitude and fills me up with a certain kind of self-importance. "I should have known better! I should have done it right! I should be able to avoid mistakes, unlike everyone else in the world." That's pride. We all know that pride is one of the seven deadlies. I have also come to believe that it is my particular bugaboo.

Today this was reinforced as I sat in on a conversation with some people who could have given up after their mistakes, but instead are reclaiming their lives. Who am I to complain when I have been the unworthy recipient of so much privilege? Verse 30 says "For not everything is within human capability." Like perfection. Only God is perfect. These "mistakes" are part of who I am as a flawed human being, they are part of the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today, those that led directly to my reaching out to God, reconnecting with my faith and bringing me on this wonderful journey that I am on. When I dwell on the past, which cannot be changed in this material world of three dimensions, it eclipses the joy and satisfaction I have found in the present, challenges my faith and gets me doubting my purpose, and that means doubting the very path God is calling me to. Only by restoring God as the central focus of my thoughts, can I regain the sense of joy and peace that are the fruits of my spiritual path.

Prayer: Dear God, I am troubled again by the voices of the past, drawn into practices of doubt, regret, comparison and self-judgment. Let me focus my thoughts on You; call me back into Your Grace so that I may know the purpose You have set for me. Let me trust Your infinite wisdom to guide me on my path. Amen.

Going to the same place?

Amos 3:3 Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?

Amos is laying out examples of natural consequences as a prophet foretelling judgment on both Israel and Judah, but this line got me thinking about relationships.

At the start of a relationship, people take hands, assuming they’re going to the same place. When their goals become clearer and still the same, they may marry. But what happens if, as they walk down the path of marriage together, they grow and change and start wanting to go to different places? Then, they start pulling on each other, each one wanting the other to join them on their path and what you can end up with is a full-on power struggle. What they don’t see is that their paths are diverging, that they need to let go, follow their paths and see if they come together again, at a different stage of life perhaps. I think of couples with small children, where one is working outside the home, and the other is immersed in a world of first diapers and feedings, then play dates, school, meals and so on. They both feel their contribution is undervalued, that the partner doesn’t understand their experience. Many will reconnect as the children get older, but other couples find themselves, after the children have left, with a partner they’ve completely lost touch with. Then they need to ask, “Are we headed in the same direction?”

It’s difficult to see when the road divides, and it gets harder and harder to hold onto the partner’s hand. A good question at that time might be, “Where are we going? Do we still want the same things in life? Or is it time to let go?”

Prayer: Dear God, You call us into relationship and I wonder, do You sometimes call us out of them as well? Help me discern the path that is best for both of us, that will call us both into a fuller, richer life in You. Amen.

I'll gladly look like a fool

2Samuel 6:22

“Oh yes, I’ll dance to God’s glory—more recklessly even than this. And as far as I’m concerned…I’ll gladly look like a fool…but among these maids you’re so worried about, I’ll be honored no end.”

David is speaking to his wife, Michal, Saul’s daughter, who has criticized his extravagant dance before the Ark of the Covenant as he brought it home to Jerusalem. And it reminds me of something Paul said, about God using the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. My devotion to this path can indeed look like foolishness to others. I know many who believe that my staying in this relationship as long as I have was foolish. And there are many other ways that the command to love God first, and love others as oneself can look very foolish to those on the outside. But God invites us to be foolish, indeed, to be reckless in our foolishness, in the extravagance of our love toward God and toward others. Having been foolish, I can move forward knowing that I gave this relationship everything I had; that I can continue to love this other person even as I know that living together is impossible. I am not talking about the “love is blind” type of foolishness, where someone ignores the realities in front of their eyes. I’m talking about moving forward together knowing all the things that stand in the way, seeing clearly the emotional challenges and being willing to take them on, to give myself totally to living out love in my relationship, even at cost to myself. Having done that, though I may not have been able to please my partner, I have faith that I have pleased God. And ultimately that is more important.

Prayer: Dear God, I thank you for the loving concern I know you have for me, and for my partner. I am so grateful for your presence in my life, for your tender guidance like velvet ropes that lead me in the way to your heart. Give me courage as I move forward to continue in my foolishness; keep my heart open so that I can continue to pour out your love extravagantly into the world you have placed me in. And fill me with your peace as I continue to move through so many feelings over this ending. Amen.

Nothing but bitterness

2Samuel 2:26a

Abner called out to Joab, “Are we going to keep killing each other till doomsday? Don’t you know that nothing but bitterness will come from this?”

The question jumps out to me here: when is the time to throw in the towel? Here we have Israelites fighting each other. And the same thing happens in families, and in couples. The love two people once had doesn’t seem to be enough to sustain them through the conflicts and fighting, and bitterness takes its place. The relationship devolves into one of tension, sniping and ill will. There comes a time when there has to be a recognition that the relationship is no longer viable and, painful though it is to both parties, it’s time to let go and say goodbye. It’s often not the end, especially if there are children, but a sign that starts a transformation into a different kind of relationship. Hope suggests the possibility of a deep friendship that can still be recovered, but only if the fighting stops and the parties separate and begin to create their own lives. Then, if they are lucky, they may eventually be able to reconnect in a fresh way and enjoy the mutual interests that brought them together away from the heightened and disappointed expectations that marred their coupledom.

Prayer: Dear God, As I begin the path of walking away from this important relationship, I ask for your guidance and companionship on the path. Stay present with me; help me to move forward with tenderness and compassion for both of us. Give me your consolation, and the will to get up and let my light shine as you so call me. Amen.