The Way of Insight

Proverbs 9:6 Lay aside immaturity, and live, and walk in the way of insight.

This was read in church last Sunday and it really hit me: all the things I love to do, that call to me, that fill me and sustain me involve insight. As both a therapist and a consumer of therapy, insight is central to the process, discovering who I am in all the various situations I find myself in, and addressing the choices I make. In the arts, I discover insight into the human condition, into the life we live now, into the effects of cultural ideas on how we see ourselves. My spiritual practices, the prayer and contemplation, the writing (which for me is both creative and spiritual) get me to slow down and reflect, create space through silence and stillness that allows the truth to emerge from the chaos of my mind. What is confession, after all, but sharing acts of estrangement, the ways I behave that are counter to my intentions, the clarity of all my shortcomings and misdirections? Insight is seeing clearly the truth of who I am, and my place in the world of creation, and of people. It's a pulling together, an integration of all the different parts of me, the conflicting emotions, the contradictory desires and garbled intentions. It's a unification and focus of my spirit, light poured out on the path in front of me, and a making sense of all of that, a certain kind of understanding. It's a recognition that the things I think aren't necessarily the truth, that my mind lies to me; emotions are fleeting, and even a day which feels satisfying, filled and productive can be followed by one that makes me feel that my life is falling apart, I can't do anything right and I'm a totally lost soul. Even this attempt to tap into the order, to make my way back to that path, to come up out of the inchoate wilderness I seem to be caught up in, has tested me -- I had written the whole thing out, lost my internet connection, and came back on line to find all of it gone! So I am starting over. This is exactly what my life has felt like lately: all my efforts coming to naught. So I am attempting to retrieve the flashes of, yes, insight into what is going on with me right now by painstakingly reminding myself of the process I just went through and what I learned.

A little further on from this verse, we come upon a more famous one, "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." (9:10) This suggested to me that insight also had something to do with perspective, with seeing myself rightly within the whole expanse of what is. Not all religions talk about God, but they all address our place in the created universe and in our relationships with ourselves, with other human beings and whatever it is that gives us life. Seeing that perspective rightly requires that we come to terms with our human limitations, as well as the limitations of those around us. Sometimes we don't know what to do, we don't know where to turn. Confusion results, which can quickly spiral into fear and the conviction that something is wrong, and pretty soon I can't see anything good in my life or my horizon, all is lost. When I come to my spiritual director in this state of mind, he is fond of saying that I am one of those who really needs contemplation to sustain me. When I was in college, there was a particular creative process that I realized I couldn't live without; it filled me and sustained me and gave me life. Though the creative expression has shifted, I am continually reminded that it's still true that I need some sort of creative expression to help me make sense of it all; these days, I most often express that in writing of various kinds, like this. The quiet and stillness of contemplative prayer (meditation) is also surprisingly sustaining, and seems to clear away all the clutter in my mind that gets in the way of clarity of thinking. And let us not ignore the rest that comes this way. I know one of the things that I am struggling with (always do, it seems) is overscheduling, and not always getting my full Sabbath rest. To really give myself over to rest for one day a week, to recognize that life will go on without me, even those who look to me for support and guidance can do fine on their own for one day, relieves me of such a burden that I have in the past wakened the next morning raring to go. Slowly, but insidiously, however, activity and meetings and social life intrude; even reading can become an attempt to accomplish something! Then I have to remind myself what Sabbath is for, what it is all about, so that I can use it as a process of restoration.

The thing is, this process here, and others like it in my life, are always available, yet I don't always utilize them. I get stuck in the feelings, or the convictions, that sense of hopelessness and uselessness, and to counteract that get caught up in notions of achievement, accomplishment, as if that will provide what I am lacking. I am a tired child who keeps yelling, "I'm not tired!!!" and wanting to do that one more thing which will make me complete, not realizing that the one thing is no-thing but a cessation from doing, true rest. When I access the process, when I engage in my practices of spirituality, creativity and psychotherapeutic understanding, it all comes together and the light goes on. Spirituality connects me to that larger Self I call God, and gives me perspective on my true place of humility and flawedness; creativity integrates all the pieces into one flow of focus and clarity, shining the light on whatever that next step is; psychotherapeutic understanding helps me look at my choices and their effects, so that I can make the choices that really support me in my life. Yes, it takes time, and it doesn't always look like much, but the fruit is that I come back to the human being I am, find myself able to meet the challenges ahead of me, and experience myself more and more as the fullness of all that God intends for my life.

I think I need a vacation.

Prayer: Dear God, I know that you are always there, waiting, and that the practices I treasure lead me unfailingly to some sense of your Presence. Despite that knowing, I persist in doing things that don't work, trying to fill in the holes in my spirit with bread that does not satisfy. Forgive me my stubbornness, help me correct these faults of inattention and misattention, and remind me that You are the core of all I do and who I am. Amen.

The Lord gave me my tongue

Ecclesiasticus 51:21-22 My heart was stirred to seek her; therefore I have gained a prize possession. The Lord gave me my tongue as a reward, and I will praise him with it.

The "her" referred to is Wisdom, personified in Hebrew scriptures and often called Sophia. It is the fruit of a spirit-filled life. I'm sure we've all heard, "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom", but the word doesn't really imply being afraid of God, but rather, feeling awe before God, the recognition of our own insignificance before the Source of All. Humility is a huge piece of it, and perhaps it is that recognition of our own humility which opens us up to see, hear and understand true wisdom. That has certainly been my journey. Though I don't claim wisdom in myself, I do experience this process as a bowing down before the superior wisdom of scripture, and when I humble myself before it, putting aside my own ideas, and listening and waiting for the voice of the spirit, I am rewarded with new insights, perspectives on life that I wouldn't come to on my own. In that waiting and watching, in that bowing down and receiving, in that pausing and reflecting, Wisdom, in a sense, arises. Or at least I hope she does.

So I have searched and sometimes found, and God has given me a tongue. When I saw that, I immediately thought of this blog, and how it has given me a way to express what I have come to understand about life and God and the mystery in and around us all. That is what Jesus Son of Sirach is doing in his book, Ecclesiasticus: trying to pass on what he has learned, hoping that others will benefit from it. It has been difficult, lately, to read with fresh eyes, to bring renewed energy to this work, but this reading has reminded me of my purpose in speaking in this way. I am reminded that I am called to this as a sacred art, and I must persevere even through times without inspiration. I do feel a slackening of energy in all parts of my life, and partly, I suppose, I just need a vacation (which is coming up September 1 - 15!), a real prolonged rest. But this reminder has renewed at least a sense of purpose in what I am doing, and I find myself reinvigorated even as I slog through what feels like a stagnant time.

Prayer: Dear God, I don't know why I am experiencing this time of dullness and lack of energy or inspiration, but I know that you are here with me, if I will but look for you and open my heart to your presence. Help me to follow through on my commitments even when I don't feel like it. Give me the opportunity to rest and restore my soul, so that I can continue my path renewed in vigor and excitement. Amen

As Lovers of Learning

Ecclesiasticus: The Prologue Now, those who read the scriptures must not only themselves understand them, but must also as lovers of learning be able through the spoken and written word to help the outsiders.

It struck me as I read this that this is one of the main purposes of this blog! This book, known as Ecclesiasticus or the Wisdom of Jesus Son of Sirach, is one of the group that we Protestants call the Apocryphal books, books that are not a part of the official canon of the church, but are nevertheless considered important as part of a larger understanding of scripture. It is full of daily wisdom. The Prologue was written by Jesus of Sirach's grandson, and gives some background to the writer, and includes the above statement as a kind of purpose for the writings. Not meant to be read straight through, it is meant as a guide for teaching how to live according to the Jewish law.

It seemed like an appropriate time for me to share where I have discovered whatever knowledge I have concerning the Biblical Scriptures. It has been primarily through a 4 year class at my Church called EfM -- Education for Ministry. A distance learning course through the Seminary at the University of the South in Sewanee, TN, it was originally intended for those seminarians who could not relocate and go to a residential seminary, but has been primarily utilized for lay people wanting to learn more about their tradition. The first year focuses on the Hebrew scriptures, what we Christians call the Old Testament; the second focuses on the New Testament. The third and fourth years trace both the history of the church and the development of its theology from the first century after Christ's crucifixion to the present day. What a fascinating journey it is, too! Four of us who have been in this class together across the whole four year span recently "graduated". The diocese held a wonderful ceremony for all of us, and we got a very impressive certificate from Sewanee that would be proud next to any other diploma you could find. It has been a fascinating journey, the end result bringing not so much an answer to my questions, as a whole different set of questions and an enormous set of books and theologians to explore in more detail. And my study enriches my reading of scripture every day, opens it up more fully and sharpens the message as it calls me to dig deeper, below the surface.

Prayer: Dear God, You have gifted me with such human knowledge of Your Holy Scripture as is available to me. Help me use that gift to open the Mystery of Your Presence to others, so they may know Your Saving Grace and Divine Peace. Amen.

I wrote this in June, when I was trying to get back in touch with this practice:

Isaiah 2:3 He’ll show us the way he works so we can live the way we’re made.

The Message

I love this idea: that God’s ways fit the way we are made; that learning to live by God’s laws is to put ourselves in the flow of life, rather than taking ourselves out of it or trying to live by some artificial set of rules. Of course, our ego, our desires, often work at cross purposes to the ways of the Divine, but that’s not because those ways don’t work for us. As anyone who has ever gotten into a mess because of the call of desire – whether it’s shopping, or love, addiction or just the determination to show that I know what I’m doing and I can fix my life myself and follow my own bullheadedness – ego often sets us up for self-defeat. I think that is what is meant by “pride goeth before a fall”. It’s not that we shouldn’t feel good about who we are and what we are able to do, but it’s the lack of perspective, that we rely too heavily on what we can accomplish ourselves, and leave God and others out of the equation.

I was listening to Sidney Poitier talk about his life the other night, and he was so intent on pointing out that there were many times in his life where he came that close to disaster, to ending up like so many other young, African American men either dead or in jail, that he could not credit himself fully with his success. He was aware that luck, or providence, or outside spiritual forces (forces was the word he used) had for some reason saved him from the potential results of his own behavior.

So I have been gone for a while, away from this practice, and I can see again the need. It helps me stay focused, centered, grounded in the idea of God, and what that means in my life. It reminds me that I am not the center of things, and that only by allying myself with the Divine Other will I find my true core, discover my purpose, and fulfill my deepest hopes and longings.

Prayer: Dear God, Sometimes I forget how deeply ingrained you are in my very being. Help me remember, take the time, create the space to feel Your Divine Presence, to follow the practices that bring me into Your Ways. Amen

A Note on Process

Today, as I sat to write, I only had the tickling of a verse to guide me. Sitting in stillness, listening for the spirit stirring within, I felt dry, uninspired. But this is my process, I said. I don’t have to know where it is going, just to take one step at a time. So I wrote the first sentence. As I continued to write, I was thinking, “Oh, this is no good, this isn’t going anywhere. Maybe I should skip it today, or read some more and look for something that really speaks to me.” But I ignored that voice, and heard another saying, “Just keep writing. It will reveal itself.” I have been feeling a bit distant from the intimacy of these early morning reflections on scripture, questioning whether God was still with me in this. And as I kept writing, the message that emerged addressed the very alienation I was feeling. And so I finished, feeling connected again with the Spirit that guides my life. Renewed, as invited by the spirit.

I want you reading this to understand that I don’t have an agenda per se. There is no plan, I am not looking for “Lessons” to convey. I am daily reading and listening to hear God’s voice speaking to me and my particular circumstances through scripture, and hoping, by grace, that what I write will have meaning for you, too. Sometimes I have the distinct feeling that what I am writing is for someone who may read this blog, rather than for me, but it feels so strong I want to put it out there. Other times, it is such a personal message I wonder if it will have meaning for anyone else. If you feel so moved, I hope you will let me know when I have struck home, and when I’ve missed the mark. I only pray that you will find a blessing from God through my words.

Let the Beauty we love be what we do.

RUMI:

Today like every other day we wake up empty and scared.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading!
Take down the dulcimer.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground

I have been waking up feeling helpless, overwhelmed, sad and hopeless this past week. By the time I have done my reading, meditation and writing in my journal, I find myself full of God's peace and able to move on with my day. But the day after I started this blog, I woke up feeling distressed and anxious, and I thought about this blog and what I would say and how I wanted to say it, and I found that the distress dissipated quite quickly. So, while I would say that my Bible reading and meditation on God's word are my dulcimer, immediately putting me right with the world, it seems that this blog, too, calls me out of myself and into an appreciation for all that is beautiful and miraculous. I have for a long time been developing my yen to write, and this new venture feels like the culmination of a long journey to find a platform and a function that fits. I am still getting the hang of it, getting into the rhythm, or getting it into the rhythm of my life, but I am grateful for this place that can facilitate what will be a new conversation for me.

Prayer: Dear God, Thank you for the inspiration to begin this blog. I pray that my words may be an avenue of your divine love and will, opening people's hearts to the truth of your power. Amen