This stone pillar is a witness

Genesis 31: 51-52 Laban continued to Jacob, “This monument of stones and this stone pillar that I have set up is a witness, a witness that I won’t cross this line to hurt you and you won’t cross this line to hurt me.”

What a bunch of tricksters in this family! Jacob tricks his brother out of his birthright. Rebekah helps him trick his father into giving him the blessing of the firstborn. Then Laban tricks Jacob into marrying Leah before Rachel and Jacob tricks Laban out of his sheep, and Rachel tricks Laban to keep him from finding the house gods she has stolen, and it goes on and on! It’s all come to a head, Jacob has taken off with his wives and children and flocks to return to the land of his father, and Laban’s looking for how he has been tricked again. When he turns up nothing that has been stolen, Jacob unleashes his pent-up anger about twenty years of slavish servitude. Finally, it is enough. They erect a pillar of stones as a testament to a new relationship based on trust and mutual respect, as a witness to a new policy of do no harm. They set up a boundary to regulate their new relationship, to define the border between their two lives.

Robert Frost once said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” (He also said something doesn’t love a wall, but that’s for another day.) That is similar to the idea expressed here. Boundaries are important for good relationships. Clarity about where you end and I begin helps differentiate what is my stuff from what is your stuff. Then I can take care of, or work on, what’s mine, and you do the same for what’s yours. Boundaries also tell us what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, what behaviors will be tolerated and which are not appropriate. Boundaries help us recognize where others are trespassing so we can call them to account. They also show up when we are trespassing against others, so we can hold ourselves accountable for our actions, repent and make amends. God is the witness who stands at the boundary, reminding us to live with integrity toward others, but also toward ourselves.

Prayer: Dear God, Boundaries are hard for me and I thank you for your divine reminder of their importance and benefits. Remind me that when I set a boundary in a relationship, I am honoring your Divine Spirit which dwells both of us and let that teach me to be firm and clear. Amen.

David doted on him

2Samuel 13:21 King David heard the whole story and was enraged, but he didn’t discipline Amnon. David doted on him because he was his firstborn.

Amnon has raped his half-sister, Tamor. He tricks her into coming into his bedchamber, rapes her and then sends her away in disgrace, refusing to marry her. Now, women had little or no status in this culture, but that is not enough to explain Amnon’s behavior. The key is here, with Amnon’s father: he didn’t discipline Amnon, he doted on him. It’s so easy to indulge people we love, whether that is children or partners, to let them get away with stuff, to accept their misbehavior because we “love” them. But we don’t serve them when we don’t hold them accountable for their actions. David is enraged about this behavior, he clearly sees it as wrong, but is unwilling to confront his son and correct him. Is he afraid Amnon won’t love him if he disciplines him? But how else is Amnon to understand what it means to be a man, and how to do it, if David doesn’t show him the right way?

It is clear that this has been a longstanding pattern that has given Amnon a sense of entitlement to whatever he desires, even if it causes the ruination of a blameless young woman’s life. Amnon has been brought up as the son of the king, with servants and material comforts shared by few in his society. It is hard to bring up children in an affluent culture without leading them to have unreal expectations of life and what it calls from them. It is hard to hold them to account, but unless parents do they will grow up warped by their own privilege, unable to recognize the humanity in other people and feeling entitled to satiate their appetites in any way they choose. God calls us on a different path, an ultimately much more fulfilling path, a path of love and care for others.

I wonder if the key is in the loving, caring relationship we have with our children. David probably didn’t spend much time with his sons, leaving their upbringing and training as warriors to others. When parents are absent, they are more likely to develop a pattern of indulging their children, in hopes of winning their favor. But such behavior is rightfully called “spoiling”, because it deprives the children of a true relationship, one based on mutual trust and respect. If we provide the example of a trustworthy partner in relationship, and expect our children to respond in kind, they will blossom under our attention and step up to our expectations.

Prayer: Dear God, I know I am guilty of indulging loved ones, and I see how it boomerangs back on me, as it is boomeranging back on David. Give me clarity to draw clear boundaries with those I love, strength to hold on to them, and compassion so that I do it in a loving, sensitive and caring way. Amen.

Everything was as it was before

1Samuel 19:7 Jonathan sent for David and reported to him everything that was said. Then he brought David back to Saul and everything was as it was before.

Everything was as it was before, meaning, nothing had been resolved. Saul didn’t process his anger, or work through his relationship with David, or even tell David what was wrong and attempt to repair the breach. It was all just papered over with niceness, but the underlying tensions remained, ready to explode. I do this over and over again: make a superficial repair to a relationship, bury my feelings and think I can just smooth things over and pretend whatever it was never happened. This is false forgiveness. It’s not really forgiveness at all, it’s my way of avoiding confrontation with someone I care about, avoiding looking at our differences head on, avoiding having to stand up for something, myself, in the face of someone else’s displeasure, all in the name of having “good relationships”. It’s just that it doesn’t work! It’s scary, and intimate and kind of naked to stand in front of someone I love and say, “This doesn’t work for me.” I have always thought understanding solved everything, but it doesn’t because it doesn’t always get rid of the differences. And sometimes I have to take a stand against someone I care about, even though I “understand” their issues. And that requires courage.

Prayer: Dear God, You know how difficult it is for me to step forward in the face of differences with someone I love. Be with me as I negotiate my close relationships, alert me to those moments of capitulation, remind me of your love and support, and that true compassion requires honesty and forthrightness as well as understanding. Above all, give me the courage, the clarity and the compassion to speak of differences in a mutually empowering way, inviting the other to step in my shoes without demeaning their experience. Amen

Making Choices to Take Care of Myself

Today I read the story of Samson (Judges 13:1 - 16:31). Boy, that is one bloody, vicious story! So, today nothing called me from the Bible, but I did find something in Courage to Change, which is from the 12-Step programs, and something I also include in my daily reflections.
...the lesson that detachment teaches. When I sense that a situation is dangerous to my physical, mental or spiritual well-being, I can put extra distance between myself and the situation. This doesn't mean I stop loving the person, only that I acknowledge the risks to my own well being and make choices to take care of myself.
What a perfect description, not only of the action of detachment but also its purpose of self-care! It's also a way to save me from the trial, keep me from the temptation to behave in ways that I don't like, from things that pull me off my path, call me away from what nurtures and supports me. How do I help from getting sucked into some whirlwind of activity someone else has gotten into? How do I keep "people-pleasing" from seducing me into eating what I don't want and eating more than I want? The biggest thing about this, I think, is the permission to say "no". When something is not in my best interests--like staying up late to watch another TV show--or is, like being honest about my likes and dislikes and not going to movies I know will leave me feeling hopeless and discouraged, I can say "no" to take care of myself. I need to hew to my own agenda, the path God calls me to, which includes times of stillness and solitude. These are just some of the ways that I can use detachment to support my walk in faith. As my rector says, "No is a spiritual word." Detachment doesn't mean lack of love or compassion, but it does proceed from the recognition that I am not responsible for other people's feelings, that God has called me to a particular path and I won't find my way going down other people's roads or by trying to drag them down mine; that love and intimacy can live with and even thrive with distinction and difference as much as sameness; that my responsibility is to follow God's call as well as I can and not be sidetracked by what other people want from me.

Prayer: Dear God, Thank you for a powerful reminder of why and how to keep the boundaries I need clear and strong. Keep your will clear and strong before me so that I can stand up to the temptations that pull me away. Amen