A key witness

Acts 22:15 You are to be a key witness to everyone you meet of what you've seen and heard.

I read this verse the same morning that I learned my aunt had had what appeared to be a severe stroke. She had had a stroke many months before, but the effects had turned out to be rather mild, and she had been coping well. Her convictions, however, remained the same: no extraordinary measures were to be taken to extend her life. At 91, she felt she had lived a long and fruitful life, and that health care dollars were better spent saving the lives of younger people. She had no taste for hospitals, and machines, and expensive treatments. So when she had that first stroke, and the family wasn't sure what was happening, they called 911 for guidance, and the ambulance came out to her house in rural New Hampshire. At that time, when the paramedics wanted to take her to the hospital, my cousin checked in again with his mother (she was able to minimally communicate) and confirming her intentions, that she didn't want to go to the hospital, he took the extraordinary step of sending the ambulance away. The family held vigil for several days, wondering when would be her last. Then she recovered.

It was a risky step. They say with strokes that early intervention can make the difference in terms of the severity of the stroke's effects. But J. held firm to her principles. She was a fiscal conservative, and she and I had many differences in our point of view. My brother once described her side of the family as "tea and hard toast people", a remnant of the hardscrabble life our ancestors pursued on the desolate moors of Scotland. She had many strong opinions, made no bones about them, and could argue her point forcefully; she wasn't always the easiest person to be around. Yet, when push came to shove, and it was her own mortality at stake, she didn't back down, she followed through on her beliefs fearlessly and steadfastly, right to the end.

My aunt was not a religious woman. I don't think there was much room for faith in her rational and practical world view. Still, she was not afraid of death, not afraid of the loss of ego that terrifies so many. The second stroke, which came on Mother's Day, paralyzed her on one side. Still, the family called for no intervention. She lingered for 10 days, the family supporting her choices, whether to eat or not, drink or not, and she passed away peacefully on May 19. In a world where so many hold principles only so long as it doesn't affect them personally, she never faltered at the moment of truth. In a culture rife with shameless hypocrisy, she remained true to her convictions even when they affected her at the most basic level. I stand as a witness to her principled courage in the face of every person's ultimate challenge: how do we face our death?

Prayer: Dear God, I am grateful for my aunt's presence in my life, and for the shining example she gave of courage in the face of death. She, who rarely surrendered in life, somehow had the wisdom to surrender in death. Be with her family as they learn to live without her physical presence, knowing that the living principles she imparted to them will be with them until their own ultimate surrender. Amen.

Life on God's terms

Luke 17:33 If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.

This is one of those wonderfully paradoxical statements of which Christianity abounds. In the translation I'm used to, it usually sounds more like those who want to save their life, will lose it, and those who lose their life will save it. What does that mean to us as we stumble through our lives trying to find one that's satisfying and meaningful? Peterson, in his translation The Message, adds some dimension here. Grasping and clinging to life on my own terms: that makes me think of all the expectations I bring to each moment. Watch what happens when a 2 year old doesn't get what he or she wants or expects -- all hell breaks loose! There is crying and screaming, the child seems inconsolable. But smart parents know that in a few minutes, using distraction, or just letting nature run its course, some new focus of interest will come up, and the now old disappointment will be forgotten, even though by adult standards it just happened! There are so many things that can get in the way of life, or plans -- even simple plans like buying a window, or arranging to meet a friend for dinner -- that I have come to understand that all those obstacles or interruptions are in some mysterious way part of the plan. If I insist on things going smoothly, or just the way I planned them, I am headed for my own private misery. If I allow myself to flow with whatever happens, dealing with and addressing the obstacles or interruptions that seem intent on ruining my good time, then things can go smoothly, I can reach my destination without a lot of wear and tear. But I have to let go of the idea that I can control everything that happens.

So, is this what Jesus, in Peterson's words, means by letting that life go? I suspect there is a little bit more involved in this second part of the verse. I remember a friend who was a priest telling me, when I asked how he knew he was called to be a priest, he said all the other doors closed. Now, that might not be the most positive way to hear a call, but sometimes we can't hear above the voice of our own desires unless all the other options are taken away. I know that for me, when I put Jesus back into the center of my life, the way ahead became clearer, smoother. The career I had been struggling with came to a kind of blossoming I hadn't expected; I found a life that had been eluding me. The Bible tells us God knows how to give good gifts to his children, so when we pray "Thy will be done" it may not take us that far away from the path we are already on, but our attitude, I think, is completely turned around. Rather than looking to express or gratify our own needs, we shift to looking at how what we are doing can serve others. Then, when things go "wrong", instead of experiencing it as a "mistake" I can look around and say, "Well, here I am, how does God want me to serve here, where I didn't expect to be?" In that way, I find a life by losing the one I expected, and by being willing to lose the life I am expecting or trying to create, I find a life that is, in the end, more satisfying and meaningful because it goes beyond me and my needs, and positions me as a transformative agent in the world.

Prayer: Dear God, It is so easy to get caught up in my own plans, in wanting things to turn out a particular way, in what I look forward to. Help me to understand that the way to You is a circuitous path, and to approach it with curiosity and thanksgiving at every turn. Amen.

Not "doing" anything

Romans 10:12 You're not "doing" anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That's salvation.

What does it really mean to be saved? I think this is something that off and on puzzles me. This word, "salvation" is not one we use much these days. I suppose a lot of people use it to refer to life after death, but I want to know what it means right here and now, in the life I have on earth. It doesn't mean we won't encounter difficulty or challenges, or that bad things won't happen to us or to those we love. It doesn't mean we don't have to do stuff, take care of business, work hard, be responsible. It doesn't even really mean we won't sin anymore, make mistakes that may have real and even terrible consequences. Paul tells us here that salvation is calling out to God, to Jesus, and trusting. Makes me think of the trust exercise they do on a lot of team building retreats: one person closes his/her eyes and falls back, trusting that the other person/people will catch him/her before hitting the ground. Jim Finley, in his talks about Contemplative prayer and mystic experience, talks about an endless tunnel -- a little like Alice falling into Wonderland -- where you continue falling, endlessly falling. When you stop, it's actually because you've hit a snag! Then you can fall back and trust again. It's a weightless feeling, but also that sense of all that troubles you falling away. Letting go. Trusting. Surrender. This is a daily, hourly process.

Of course, not "doing" anything may be one of the hardest things for people to do in our American culture. Maybe it's hard in other cultures, but I don't know. Give it a try. Just try to sit and do nothing. Trust me, it's hard! I start thinking, or I get bored, or I get an idea I want to follow through on, or I fall asleep, or just about anything to avoid doing nothing! I am what I do in this country, which is really hard for all those people who are unemployed. Learning to do nothing, just to be, opens up space for me to experience myself in a new way: not as the center of a vortex of energy and activity, but as a still, quiet place that flows out into eternity.

How does that save me? I'm not sure I understand it exactly, and it often seems counter-intuitive, but when I am able to practice that surrender, regularly, life seems possible, even right in certain kind of way. Even though nothing has changed, everything falls into place. What was out of joint, out of alignment, fits smoothly and seamlessly together. I'm not getting in my own way anymore. So maybe saving has to do with saving me from myself; maybe surrender is about letting go of me, of all my ideas about what is right or isn't right, what should or shouldn't be, of all my plans and ambitions and desires and falling into what's real.

What's real? God, the gound of being, what Buddhists call Basic Goodness, that is the foundation of life. My life. Everyone's life. But until we let go, we don't see it, we don't feel it, we don't experience it. We think it's all about what we are doing. Some people talk about "the Universe" which is simply all that is. It's really a mystery how all that is came to be, despite what the physicists can tell us about it. It's a mystery how life came to arise. Human beings are a mystery. As long as I keep trying to figure it out, like some kind of puzzle, I don't really get anywhere. It's when I can surrender to the mystery, let go of my attempts to understand and allow that Ground of Being to make itself known to me in the magic of the present moment, then suddenly life is. And that is all that's necessary.

Prayer: Dear God, Let me trust in your saving grace this day and every day as I deal with all the challenges life brings. Thank you for life and all its blessings. Help me remember that You are in charge, and that, with You in this present moment, I have all that I need. Amen.

Entered into what God was doing

Romans 4:3 Abraham entered into what god was doing for him and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own.

Ah, Romans, Paul's longest letter (that's why it's first after Acts) and many say his most complete statement of theology. I know what he is talking about here resonates with me, and my experience of conversion some 25 years ago. I placed myself, my life, in God's hands and it has felt right ever since -- still rich in pain and suffering, loss and challenge, and yet right. How to even explain that? I can point to particular moments of surrender, where I really let down, and let go, and then experienced God taking me on a new journey, a new adventure. What I am struggling with now is to do this on a daily, or even hourly, basis. How do I surrender minute by minute so that I can fully enter what God is doing each moment of my life? So I can flow with the changes and not get caught up in my own agenda?

I am finding help with this task these days through the practice of mindfulness, and the teachings of the Shambhala path, a secular approach to this Buddhist practice, that keeps echoing with reminders of the Christian path. When I can pause and be present in this moment, recognizing and accepting all its circumstances, that is a kind of surrender. Acceptance of what is, whether good or bad, pleasing or distressing -- and whatever my reaction to it is! -- this is a kind of surrender. And I think in that way I can enter into what God is doing. Because, first of all, what God is doing is keeping existence going, and whatever is is whatever God has brought into being. When I can remember to take that moment, that breath, that pause, I often find a grace and a clarity: clarity about what it is that I'm doing to follow God's call, and the grace of joy, fulfillment and gratitude. It makes (as in forms or creates) my day.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me weave this simple practice into the daily tapestry of my life, so that you can claim your rightful place, and so that I can respond to your call minute by minute, not just year to year. Amen.

Faith expressed in Love

Galatians 5:6 For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.

Here we are finally in the New Testament and back to Eugene Peterson's vigorous translation, The Message. Since we are going through the Bible roughly in the order it was written, however, we are not starting with the Gospels, but with Paul's letters, which were the first Christian documents circulated. Galatians is understood to be the oldest.

Paul is telling us what freedom in Christ means. It doesn't mean doing whatever we want, licentiousness or seeking only our own pleasure, but it's not about the rules either. Rules can only affect our outward behavior, but faith in Christ changes us from within. This faith, expressed in love, then guides our actions, transforms our desires so that at times we joyfullly follow the rules as the best way to express that faith-love, and at times we break them to serve that same expression. It's no longer about the rules at all! We are driven by true freedom, a freedom to love extravagantly all whom we meet, a freedom that brings joy, serenity, loving compassion

Paul compares the results to the fruit of a well-tended tree (5:22), gifts that are the natural result of living a faith filled life. He also describes the dangers of a self-filled life (5:19-20) which in Eugene Peterson's vivid contemporary language sounds like a list of all the ills society now struggles with. In fact, he describes this life of "trying to get your own way all the time" (5:19) as a sort of compulsion, an addiction that wants more and more of whatever it is --- sex, food, drink, money or material goods -- compulsively, because these are not what is ultimately satisfying. The life of the spirit, lived in the freedom of Chirst, begets a life of peace, serenity and joy, precisely because it satisfies our deepest needs as human beings.

My son says -- he's 22 -- that in fact, it is therefore a selfish choice to follow Jesus, becuase it really is in my own best interest, and I would have to agree. It is the ultimate selfishness to live a faithful life, filled with joy and peace and community, but paradoxically, we achieve it by withdrawing from self-interest and pursuits of the fulfillment of our material appetities. It says in the prayer book about Jesus, "His service is perfect freedom." That is the central paradox of Christianity: submit to Christ and find true freedom. There's a Rumi ppoem that describes this paradox as a cool fountain on one side and a pit of fire on the other. Those who go into the fountain, find themselves inthe fire and vice versa. If we try to avoid what is difficult, surrender ourselves to rules and externals, even a person or leader, we only find ourselves in more difficulty. Of such leaders, Paul says, "They want to shut you out of the free world of God's grace, so that you will always depend on them for approval and direction, making them feel important." (4:17) All such submission is slavery and contrary to Christ's call.

Christ has set us free. Live life as a glorious dance with Spirit, faith expressed as love. By blessing others with our care and service, we send out waves of love that touch lives we don't even know about in a never ending cycle of love and compassion, bringing about the Kingdom of God right here on earth.

Prayer: Dear God, I am earnestly seeking my role in the establishment of Your Kingdom on earth. Guide me to that unique expression for which you have called me and teach me to surrender all that I am to that vision when I have found it. Amen.

Every need in its time

Ecclesiasticus 39:33 All the works of the Lord are good and he will supply every need in its time.

I have trouble with "in its time" sometimes. I am feeling impatient and anxious waiting to receive confirmation on something I want very much, but it is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about it! That doesn't stop me ruminating on a pretty regular basis, using incantations, anything I can think of to bring this to the conclusion that I want. But none of that actually helps. So daily, hourly even, I have to surrender it to God knowing it is out of my hands. My tendency is to keep it in my mind as if I could get the people in charge to take the action I want just by thinking about it. I don't know, I suppose it's possible some people have the ability to have an effect in that way, but I do know I don't. So I pray, starting off with surrender but usually quickly morphing into a petitionary, "oh, please, oh please, oh please", as if my assumption is if I pray about this enough I can make it happen, which is really some notion that God will do my bidding if I just ask often enough. However, if I can summon God the way Harry Potter the wizard can summon spirits, then it isn't God at all, but some creature of my own imagination. Prayer like that is just another version of superstition, using incantations or lucky charms, what have you. I remember a ditty from my childhood, "Step on a crack and break your mother's back", and how I would avoid cracks all the way home. Aside from the ghoulishness of this, it's kid stuff. This is how children think of God, sort of a heavenly ATM.

In an adult world, we recognize where we have control -- over my behaviors and attitudes -- and where I don't, which is pretty much everything else (people, places, things and events). We know that God is not just there to provide us with what we want at any given time. God is mystery; God is the ground of being beyond all our longings for the material; God is the source of longing, for ultimately all longing is about the longing to experience God eternally present, which is at best glimpsed on occasion, unless you are a tried and true mystic. Dealing with mystery, surrender really means giving it up, really giving it up completely, and making peace with whatever the outcome is, knowing God will be present no matter what happens. I have a friend who recently went into a serious operation. Beforehand, the doctor said, "I wish I could tell you you're going to be all right." He meant, physically healed. But my friend said, "I am going to be all right." Later she told me, "He doesn't get it, he doesn't realize that no matter what happens I'll be all right, because God will be with me." That's surrender, knowing in peace that whatever happens, it will be all right. As Julian of Norwich repeated almost as a mantra: And all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

Prayer: Dear God, You know my longing for this event, how much I want it and pray for it to happen -- like the persistent widow. Help me remember that I have done all I can, and that all that is left is to give the result to you, truly surrender the outcome in trust, faith and love. Amen.

Pay no attention

Ecclesiasticus 34:5-6 Divinations and omens and dreams are unreal, and like a woman in labor, the mind has fantasies. Unless they are sent by intervention from the Most High, pay no attention to them.

Ay, there's the rub. Don't pay attention to your dreams, unless, that is, they are sent from God. But how do you know? How do you know what is coming from God and what is coming from your own ego? Or is just mindless chatter? Some of the accounts in the Bible suggest that some of the prophets and followers of God written about actually heard a voice from outside of themselves. There are many stories about the voice of God breaking through and confirming Jesus' sonship. I don't know about you, but I've never heard the voice of God that way, and I'm not sure I know anyone else who has either. And yet, I do believe I discern something of the way God is calling me to live, the direction God is asking me to go. So how does one do that? How does one listen for the voice of God and how do you know God is speaking to you?

Elijah discovers, in his cave, that the voice of God is not in the wind, nor the earthquake, nor the fire, but in the sound of "sheer silence" -- other translations say "a still, small voice." So, the first clue is to be still, to sit in stillness and let the stillness speak. All the contemplative practices are designed to help us discern the call of the Spirit through the clutter of our minds and the cacophony of our daily lives, but one must take the time to quiet down, to allow one's awareness to sift through all the other voices in our heads -- the voices of family and friends, the voices of the culture, and the voices of our own ego, which usually runs by a totally different set of values than our soul does. Self-preservation is the ego's primary goal. All of those things muddy the waters, but a contemplative practice like lexio divina (which is similar to what I do in these meditations), contemplative prayer, also called centering prayer or meditation, writing a sacred icon, and there are many others. In fact, almost any activity can become a contemplative practice if you approach it with awareness and a slow quiet attention. Brother Lawrence, who wrote "Practicing the Presence of God" regularly speaks of washing dishes as a contemplative experience.

Once we've slowed down, sifted through the layers of ego and the other voices competing for attention in our minds, and entered into a state of quiet inner stillness, then sometimes we can hear the voice of God. Maybe it's a voice, or maybe it's a word, or maybe it's even an image, but that is the place where we can be touched. And even then, can we really be sure? How can we really know? Thomas Merton expresses it beautifully in a well known prayer that he wrote:

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact
that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me
through the right road though I may know
nothing about it.

Therefore, I will trust you always though I may
seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you
will never leave me to face my peril alone.

Prayer: Dear God, As I struggle to discern the path before me, help me to stay focused on my desire to please you and to do your will. Help me to trust in your divine guidance even in the midst of confusion and uncertainty. Amen.

The unraveling thread of Change

Change! It is so difficult! Even good changes are stressful; that's why getting married is near the top of the list of most stressful events. All I did was get a new computer with an upgraded operating system -- so all my gadgets need to be upgraded too -- and it feels like my world is coming apart. I'm irritable and depressed. Why is this so difficult?

First of all, my routines are shot. My PDA is so old I can't even upgrade it, and it is the one program that I regularly refer to. Now, I've got to get out my old laptop and use it along with the new computer (I know, a plethora of privilege here), instead of just clicking a tab. All of this is strange and uncomfortable. I feel discombobulated. Things don't go smoothly because I'm learning new routines and then I feel stupid because I don't know what I'm doing. Add to this that I've completely reorganized my office to make room for the new computer, and I can't find anything and it's all in some level of chaos. I'm anxious and irritable because I don't feel comfortable yet, and this change thing keeps spreading and I don't know how far it will go. I feel depressed because it all makes me feel like a dimwit and overwhelmed and above all out of control.

So I sat down last night and said, what are the assumptiong I'm operating under? What are the expectations that aren't being met, that is leading to all this emotional distress? Do I think this should all be easy? That I should be able to do it without some level of challenge? Am I supposed to be on top of things, every minute, no matter what? Who said? Where do these notions come from?

Once I stopped and recognized these assumptions, and brought balance to my thinking by reflecting on the tragic and painful difficulties that others on this globe are enduring -- even those in my own city -- I was able to relax and engage in my tasks (like changing the sheets) with some humility and submission, a recognition of my frailty, my humanness. Yes, I moan and whine and complain, just like everyone else.

Spirituality is about living into our humanness, about embracing our faults, our frailty our finiteness, rather than skipping over it, putting on a together face and operating only out of our competence. It's about being present with our falling apart as it is happening. The paradox is that by surrendering to my humanity, by giving into my frailty, by recognizing and accepting my own inadequacy in the face of life's challenges, I may suddenly transcend difficulty and find myself in a blessed space of peace, even as I move through the tasks that irked me just a moment before. That, to me, is the Presence of God.

Prayer: Dear God, Help me to follow this thread of change, wherever it leads, guided by your gracious and invisible hand. Help me be present with each moment so that I don't become overwhelmed but just take one step at a time into Your Gracious Heart. Amen.

He makes his move

2Chronicles 22:12-23:1 He was there with her, hidden away for six years in the Temple of God. Athaliah, oblivious to his existence, ruled the country. In the seventh year the priest Jehoiada decided to make his move and worked out a strategy…

Queen Athaliah, after the death of her son, the King of Judah, has ruthlessly murdered all the King’s brothers so that she might rule instead. She doesn’t know that baby Joash has been saved, hidden away in the Temple of God. Jehoiada the priest knows about Joash, but he doesn’t reveal the boy right away. He bides his time, until the time is ripe, and then makes his move.

How often have I leapt to get something done only to have it blow up in my face? How often have I stubbornly persisted in something, just wanting to get it completed, only to have it get hopelessly messed up in the process? When is the time to let go, and recognize the time is not right, and when should I persevere to follow through on my intentions? Jehoiada waited, and developed a strategy, and when the time was ready, he acted. Perhaps this is one of the greatest fruits of my walk in faith, is the ability to wait when necessary, and act wholeheartedly when the time is ready. As long as I see myself as in control, the responsibility thoroughly on my shoulders, I tend to keep plunging along, even though everything around me is telling me that things are not going as they should. Faith, and the recognition that God is in control and all I need to do is to surrender to God’s will, empowers me to see what exists, wait till the moment is right, and act with purpose out of my whole being. That is what I would call Right Action, and, especially with messy, human situations, it is usually the most effective action. When I can wait with God, my whole being in readiness until the moment arises, my action is then a direct response to circumstances and is able to cooperate with the conditions which have arisen, rather than trying through blind will to force a solution that I think is right, but may not be the best overall.

Prayer: Dear God, I know that Your will unfolding in me and my life offers my best hope for fulfillment. Give me patience and courage to abide with You, trusting that Your Divine Hand will lead the way and call right action forth from me when the time is right. And give me confidence to know that I will have the ability to do all that is necessary, and that You will provide whatever else I need. Amen.

Just stand firm

2Chronicles 20:17a You won’t have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm.

Sometimes all that is required of us in difficult situations is to show up and hold our ground.

I get very intimidated by difficult conversations. I try to plan out what I want to say, figure out what’s going to happen. I think of all the fancy retorts I can use, plan the battle strategy, figure out my defensive positions. In other words, I get ready for battle. All the fear and anxiety, though, ends up shutting me down, and I put it off, distracting myself with books and other enterainments. This verse reminded me that a conversation, especially a difficult one, doesn’t require a battle plan or a defensive strategy. I am called to be a peacemaker, or at least not to retaliate, so I don’t really need all that thinking and planning, which doesn’t get me anywhere anyway. This understanding of my call, and the knowledge that God is with me, allows me to engage in a difficult conversation, say what I need to say in as gentle a manner as I can, and hold my ground in whatever emotional upheaval occurs without responding in kind. In this way, I honor the path God calls me to, I honor the cherished child of God that my partner is, and I honor myself as well.

Don’t just do something; stand there! Sometimes, when God is in charge, that is all that is needed.

Prayer: Dear God, I am so grateful for the way that You lift these heavy burdens off my shoulders when I am willing to surrender my agenda to You. Give me the strength, courage and confidence to meet my difficulties with equanimity and compassion for all the others involved, that I may reflect Your love to those around me. Amen.

God rewrote the text of my life

2Samuel 22:25 God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

What a powerful metaphor! And it expresses so beautifully what I feel about how God has changed my life. For a long time, I was writing the book of my life. I was planning, and hoping, and intending and working hard to achieve all the things I wanted. Then I hit a patch where nothing was right, nothing was working, and I felt so hopeless about my life. I had done a lot of therapy, and that was very valuable, but I knew it couldn’t save me in the way I needed to be saved. I had been a faithful church goer as a child, and fallen away, as many do, during college. I had tasted of Eastern spiritual traditions, and while I find a lot of wisdom there, and useful ideas, they didn’t satisfy my heart. It was Ash Wednesday 25 years ago when I stumbled into a church near where I lived, and fell on my knees before God and asked Jesus to take my life, please! I realized how inadequate I was to the job, how I was being led by all sorts of grandiose notions of who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to be, I had bought into the achievement oriented, success oriented, I’m-in-charge-of-my-life ideology of the modern world, the self sufficiency model I was raised with, and I was totally and miserably failing at it. I had no work, no relationship, and I felt utterly bereft.

So I returned to church, I began focusing my practices on the God and Jesus I knew as a child, only with the understanding of an adult. I became part of my church community. I gave my life to God to do with as God wished and found myself so blessed as a result. God has not shielded me from adversity: I quickly found that the Presence of God in my life would not spare me from difficulty, but that Divine Presence enabled me to face my difficulties squarely, with (I hope) grace and dignity. And it has been an ongoing journey since that time, continually opening out in new ways. The peace I have found comes at least in part from knowing that if I don’t get what it is I think I want, then I can rest assured that God has something better in store for me, a better and more fulfilling use of who I am than I have the ability to imagine for myself.

Prayer: Dear God, Twenty five years ago, I abandoned myself to you, and you have been my rock, my living water, my life’s bread ever since. As I move forward into yet another bend in the road, another stage of the journey, I ask for your presence to guide and inspire me, to remind me of your companionship as I travel onward, that I might be led in your paths to fulfill your calling by the gift of your grace. Amen

Do to me what you vowed

One from the archives:

Judges 11:36-37

She said, "Dear Father, if you made a vow to God, do to me what you vowed. God did his part and saved you from your Ammonite enemies." And then she went to her father, "But let this one thing be done for me. Give me two months to wander through the hills and lament my virginity since I will never marry, I and my dear friends."

This made me weep, I was so touched by her simple faith, her commitment. She gets it! Jephtha, her father, made a rash vow -- he didn't need to do that, he didn't need to bargain with God, he could've just asked, but instead he thought he could buy God's favor. And he paid dearly. He promised God that if God would give him the battle, he would burn as an offering the first thing that greeted him when he returned from the battle. And who rushed out to greet him but his only dearly beloved daughter! And here, this young girl -- she doesn't even get a name -- shames his paltry faith and the fickle faith of the people of Israel, who are constantly being seduced by the foreign Gods of the Canaanites, this nameless young woman shows with grace and courage how to honor God, how to submit in obedience to God's will.

Prayer: Dear God, You give me this example of a young woman who accepts your power and dominion without thinking twice about it, even when it means her immolation. I cannot hope to measure up to her example. I pray that through Christ living in me I may develop such faith as you will give me to see and accept your will in all things. Amen

They were seduced by it

One from the archive:

Judges 8:27 Gideon made the gold into a sacred ephod and put it on display in his hometown, Ophrah. All Israel prostituted itself there. Gideon and his family, too, were seduced by it.

So Gideon has been faithful to God -- he smashed the Baal altar and tore down the Asherah poles (these are the holy places of the Canaanite religions) and then defeats the Midianites just as God commanded and ordained. He even refuses the people's entreaties to rule over them as King and says "God will rule over you." But he succumbs at the end to this notion of reward. The people are dying to thank him, why not ask for a little gold, just an earring apiece, their pockets are overflowing with booty! And he fashions the gold into a sacred object. And then the trouble begins, because the ephod stops being an avenue to the divine and becomes the end in itself. I wonder what was most seductive about it: was it the skill of the craftsmanship, or just the shine and beauty of the gold itself? Here he had resisted so many temptations, but gets tripped up by his own handiwork. It's as if Gideon was vigilant against thinking he had performed these great deeds on his own, without God, but when it was all over and his guard was down -- the prize, peace in Israel and freedom from the Midianites -- was won, then he succumbed to thinking he was pretty hot stuff. Like James Cameron, winning the Oscar for Titanic and succumbing to this notion of his own invincibility. And how easy it is to fall into the trap -- you work really hard for something, and you're focused and disciplined and then you accomplish it, and then lose the very qualities that got you there, the focus and discipline and, in Gideon's case (and my own), honoring God first.




Prayer: Dear God, It's easy to remember how much I need and rely on you when I'm struggling and to forget when I've accomplished what I want to how much you are a part of everything I do. Remind me to turn to you as faithfully in success as I do in failure, to rely on your guidance even more when I know where I'm going than when I feel lost, because I am more likely then to go off the rails and be seduced by my own knowing and power to move forward. Help me to lay every aspect of my life at your feet and seek your will especially hard when I think I already know what it is. Amen

The Chest of God was taken

1Samuel 4:18 At the words "Chest of God", Eli fell backward off his stool where he sat next to the gate. Eli was an old man and very fat. When he fell he broke his neck and died. He had led Israel for 40 years. What a calamity!! The Ark of the Covenant ("Chest of God"), the crafted wooden box wherein the God of Israel was presumed to dwell had been captured by the Philistines, Israel's arch-enemies. Now, we don't think of God living in boxes, nor do we think that God can be contained by a particular box or dwelling, although we may find ourselves experiencing a closer connection to God in particular places. But in those days, the Ark was where God was and if it was gone from the community, God was gone from the community. No wonder the shock knocked Eli off his seat -- it must have seemed like the end of the world.....But then follows a strange and even amusing tale about how God plagued the Philistines so badly that they eventually sent the Ark back to the Israelites, along with many solid gold objects to apologize and appease the power of the God of Israel. So, actually, God can take care of things in God's own way, and even do so with a sense of humor. All this says to me, "Lighten up. It's all in God's hands." What work am I doing or worrying about that will be taken care of in its own time? Am I obsessed with getting it done my way, in my time frame? What situations am I turning into calamities, taking too seriously, pressuring myself about because they seem beyond my power, that I might be better off taking more lightly and trusting that it will work itself out in its own time? Prayer: Dear God, It's easy to take my problems so seriously that I forget what is really important: You and Your Kingdom. Help me to take my own problems more lightly, to offer them to you for working out in your time, and stay focused on what is important--living the life you call me to. Amen