The Way of Insight

Proverbs 9:6 Lay aside immaturity, and live, and walk in the way of insight.

This was read in church last Sunday and it really hit me: all the things I love to do, that call to me, that fill me and sustain me involve insight. As both a therapist and a consumer of therapy, insight is central to the process, discovering who I am in all the various situations I find myself in, and addressing the choices I make. In the arts, I discover insight into the human condition, into the life we live now, into the effects of cultural ideas on how we see ourselves. My spiritual practices, the prayer and contemplation, the writing (which for me is both creative and spiritual) get me to slow down and reflect, create space through silence and stillness that allows the truth to emerge from the chaos of my mind. What is confession, after all, but sharing acts of estrangement, the ways I behave that are counter to my intentions, the clarity of all my shortcomings and misdirections? Insight is seeing clearly the truth of who I am, and my place in the world of creation, and of people. It's a pulling together, an integration of all the different parts of me, the conflicting emotions, the contradictory desires and garbled intentions. It's a unification and focus of my spirit, light poured out on the path in front of me, and a making sense of all of that, a certain kind of understanding. It's a recognition that the things I think aren't necessarily the truth, that my mind lies to me; emotions are fleeting, and even a day which feels satisfying, filled and productive can be followed by one that makes me feel that my life is falling apart, I can't do anything right and I'm a totally lost soul. Even this attempt to tap into the order, to make my way back to that path, to come up out of the inchoate wilderness I seem to be caught up in, has tested me -- I had written the whole thing out, lost my internet connection, and came back on line to find all of it gone! So I am starting over. This is exactly what my life has felt like lately: all my efforts coming to naught. So I am attempting to retrieve the flashes of, yes, insight into what is going on with me right now by painstakingly reminding myself of the process I just went through and what I learned.

A little further on from this verse, we come upon a more famous one, "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." (9:10) This suggested to me that insight also had something to do with perspective, with seeing myself rightly within the whole expanse of what is. Not all religions talk about God, but they all address our place in the created universe and in our relationships with ourselves, with other human beings and whatever it is that gives us life. Seeing that perspective rightly requires that we come to terms with our human limitations, as well as the limitations of those around us. Sometimes we don't know what to do, we don't know where to turn. Confusion results, which can quickly spiral into fear and the conviction that something is wrong, and pretty soon I can't see anything good in my life or my horizon, all is lost. When I come to my spiritual director in this state of mind, he is fond of saying that I am one of those who really needs contemplation to sustain me. When I was in college, there was a particular creative process that I realized I couldn't live without; it filled me and sustained me and gave me life. Though the creative expression has shifted, I am continually reminded that it's still true that I need some sort of creative expression to help me make sense of it all; these days, I most often express that in writing of various kinds, like this. The quiet and stillness of contemplative prayer (meditation) is also surprisingly sustaining, and seems to clear away all the clutter in my mind that gets in the way of clarity of thinking. And let us not ignore the rest that comes this way. I know one of the things that I am struggling with (always do, it seems) is overscheduling, and not always getting my full Sabbath rest. To really give myself over to rest for one day a week, to recognize that life will go on without me, even those who look to me for support and guidance can do fine on their own for one day, relieves me of such a burden that I have in the past wakened the next morning raring to go. Slowly, but insidiously, however, activity and meetings and social life intrude; even reading can become an attempt to accomplish something! Then I have to remind myself what Sabbath is for, what it is all about, so that I can use it as a process of restoration.

The thing is, this process here, and others like it in my life, are always available, yet I don't always utilize them. I get stuck in the feelings, or the convictions, that sense of hopelessness and uselessness, and to counteract that get caught up in notions of achievement, accomplishment, as if that will provide what I am lacking. I am a tired child who keeps yelling, "I'm not tired!!!" and wanting to do that one more thing which will make me complete, not realizing that the one thing is no-thing but a cessation from doing, true rest. When I access the process, when I engage in my practices of spirituality, creativity and psychotherapeutic understanding, it all comes together and the light goes on. Spirituality connects me to that larger Self I call God, and gives me perspective on my true place of humility and flawedness; creativity integrates all the pieces into one flow of focus and clarity, shining the light on whatever that next step is; psychotherapeutic understanding helps me look at my choices and their effects, so that I can make the choices that really support me in my life. Yes, it takes time, and it doesn't always look like much, but the fruit is that I come back to the human being I am, find myself able to meet the challenges ahead of me, and experience myself more and more as the fullness of all that God intends for my life.

I think I need a vacation.

Prayer: Dear God, I know that you are always there, waiting, and that the practices I treasure lead me unfailingly to some sense of your Presence. Despite that knowing, I persist in doing things that don't work, trying to fill in the holes in my spirit with bread that does not satisfy. Forgive me my stubbornness, help me correct these faults of inattention and misattention, and remind me that You are the core of all I do and who I am. Amen.