David doted on him

2Samuel 13:21 King David heard the whole story and was enraged, but he didn’t discipline Amnon. David doted on him because he was his firstborn.

Amnon has raped his half-sister, Tamor. He tricks her into coming into his bedchamber, rapes her and then sends her away in disgrace, refusing to marry her. Now, women had little or no status in this culture, but that is not enough to explain Amnon’s behavior. The key is here, with Amnon’s father: he didn’t discipline Amnon, he doted on him. It’s so easy to indulge people we love, whether that is children or partners, to let them get away with stuff, to accept their misbehavior because we “love” them. But we don’t serve them when we don’t hold them accountable for their actions. David is enraged about this behavior, he clearly sees it as wrong, but is unwilling to confront his son and correct him. Is he afraid Amnon won’t love him if he disciplines him? But how else is Amnon to understand what it means to be a man, and how to do it, if David doesn’t show him the right way?

It is clear that this has been a longstanding pattern that has given Amnon a sense of entitlement to whatever he desires, even if it causes the ruination of a blameless young woman’s life. Amnon has been brought up as the son of the king, with servants and material comforts shared by few in his society. It is hard to bring up children in an affluent culture without leading them to have unreal expectations of life and what it calls from them. It is hard to hold them to account, but unless parents do they will grow up warped by their own privilege, unable to recognize the humanity in other people and feeling entitled to satiate their appetites in any way they choose. God calls us on a different path, an ultimately much more fulfilling path, a path of love and care for others.

I wonder if the key is in the loving, caring relationship we have with our children. David probably didn’t spend much time with his sons, leaving their upbringing and training as warriors to others. When parents are absent, they are more likely to develop a pattern of indulging their children, in hopes of winning their favor. But such behavior is rightfully called “spoiling”, because it deprives the children of a true relationship, one based on mutual trust and respect. If we provide the example of a trustworthy partner in relationship, and expect our children to respond in kind, they will blossom under our attention and step up to our expectations.

Prayer: Dear God, I know I am guilty of indulging loved ones, and I see how it boomerangs back on me, as it is boomeranging back on David. Give me clarity to draw clear boundaries with those I love, strength to hold on to them, and compassion so that I do it in a loving, sensitive and caring way. Amen.