Why have you forsaken me?

Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Today is Good Friday and I cannot help but reflect on this sacred day in the Christian experience. Last night, I went to the Maundy Thursday service at my church, what to me is the most powerful service of the year, where the rector imitates Christ by washing the feet of chosen parishioners. The choir sang, but there was no instrumentation, just the sound of human voices lamenting the Man of Sorrows. At the end, I sat and watched the candles be put out, the altar stripped, the lights dimmed and heard the loud clang of the door, shutting fast the gates of Paradise. The light has gone out from the world.

This morning, I feel sad and lethargic, confused and upset. In the evening, long after the service, I sat in the chapel with a shrouded cross, trying to keep awake just one hour with Jesus. I think that is the hardest thing I do all year. Sleep calls to me, entices me, seduces me. Luke says that the disciples slept, drugged not just by wine but by grief, and perhaps that is one reason that watch is so difficult for me – sorrow over what I know is coming. The disciples didn’t fully understand what Jesus had been talking about, but there is no doubt that his talk of his own suffering and death dampened their spirits. So this is the mood that clouds me today. Tonight I will meditate on Christ’s last words (one of them is above), and tomorrow I will try to sit with grief and unknowing, as those early disciples did 2000 years ago. How did they make it through that Saturday of Sabbath rest knowing that Jesus was gone, their purpose in life destroyed, their only hope crushed by the Roman state? I will try to sit with them in their sorrow. It is exercise for those times when all hope is lost, all optimism gone and only despair awaits. It is remembering that even in the pit, the dark night of the soul, God is there, even though I can’t feel God or see God or touch God or even find God in prayer, God is there holding me when no one else will, carrying me when no one else can, comforting me when there is no comfort.

Prayer: Dear God, Hold me as I walk under the shadow of death. Be with all those who mourn the loss of those they love. Teach me to see you even in the dark, to know you when all knowledge seems hopeless and futile, to love you when there is nothing left of me to love, that by your love and will I may experience the joy of Resurrection life that you gave us through your son, Jesus. Amen.