1Samuel
It’s hard not to feel for Saul in this moment. He made some mistakes, some bad mistakes, trying to live up to what he thought was being asked of him. But he had felt the Spirit of God working in him, and what a terrible, bottomless pit of a depression it must have been to feel it gone. He must have felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, useless and of course, terrified. So what can he do in that moment? The only thing that I’ve ever been able to do in those moments is accept what I’m feeling and give it to God. I pray, I journal, I do this, and usually, eventually, God brings me out of it. But Saul never surrenders in that way. He keeps fighting it. He keeps deluding himself with the notion that he can hold on to his kingship without God’s help, that he can somehow get rid of David, even though he sees and it is clear to everyone that God’s Spirit is with David. And then Saul sinks even lower. He hates. Even though David is the one person who can alleviate Saul’s black moods, through the music of the harp; even though David fights valiantly for Saul, defeating the Philistines over and over again; even though Saul’s son Jonathan, who would be the one to inherit the kingdom, pledges himself to David – or no, it is probably just because of these things that Saul hates David. They are all evidence of what he has lost: God’s favor. Depression, hatred, envy: these are all experiences that eat away at the soul, take the joy from living and poison relationships.
Prayer: Dear God, Make me aware of those times when depression, hatred or envy begins to threaten my well-being. Help me to accept my human frailty, and offer these feelings to you, so that I might receive your divine grace. Burn them out of my heart with your love and compassion, that they might be replaced with gratitude at all you have done in my life, compassion toward others, and acceptance of my state in life, and your divine will which will always be shrouded in mystery. Amen
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